During their conversation, Michelson recalled a witty tweet noted for pointedly illustrating a common human experience: “Never in the history of ‘calm downs’ has ‘calm down’ calmed down someone.” Martin, a psychology professor and associate dean at the University of Wisconsin-Green Bay, echoed this sentiment and took it a step further. According to him, the phrase “relax” is equally ineffective—if not worse—when dealing with someone who is already agitated.
Martin explained that when people are angry, they’re often in a heightened emotional state and not thinking entirely rationally. Using direct commands like ‘calm down’ or ‘just breathe’ are unlikely to yield positive results. He emphasized that modeling the desired behavior yourself, such as speaking in a softer, gentler tone, can often have a more calming effect.
One particularly humorous observation Martin shared was that people often shout “calm down” at the top of their lungs, completely contradicting the intended effect of the words. By lowering your voice, you create an environment that encourages the other person to match your calm demeanor, a tendency rooted in humans’ evolutionary history to mimic the tone of those around them.
Martin didn’t stop at what not to say; he also offered strategies for validating an angry person’s feelings without endorsing the cause of their anger. He advised recognizing their distress by suggesting collaborative solutions like, “You’re obviously upset about this, let’s talk through some solutions together.” By acknowledging their feelings, you open the door to constructive dialogue.
The podcast conversation also touched on self-assessment questions one should consider before reacting in anger. These include taking a moment before sending an impulsive email and pondering whether our immediate emotional response is warranted or if there’s a better approach.
In moments of tension, choosing your words carefully can defuse a heated situation. Avoiding directives like “calm down” and instead employing empathy and understanding can make all the difference. This approach not only eases immediate tensions but also fosters more meaningful interactions in the long run.
Source: Yahoo
